Our little "Buh-Buh"

Poor kid! Since he was born we've called L Buh-Buh. Is that a terrible nickname or what?

L is 4 now...just had a birthday. I have such a different relationship with him than I do his older brother because I've been home with him since day one. He's been my baby, my little buddy and it's been great. (I could go into the guilt I feel for not being there for M as much but that's a different post!) I am very guilty of babying him and letting him get away with things I wouldn't have ever let his brother get away with.

He's in PreK this year and LEAVES ME EVERYDAY for FOUR HOURS!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? It's really been a good thing for him (and me). I can tell that he's learning and I can tell that he's enjoying it.

L is ALL BOY! He LOVES anything that has wheels and a motor. Has for years now. I could probably take away all of his toys and just leave a big box of cars and trucks and he'd be content for life.

He is also a very onrey little boy. He will purposely torment his brother just to get a reaction. He says things that make you wonder where it came from. Today for example I asked if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister. He told me he wanted a brother. I asked him what he would do if the baby was a girl. His response, "I'm going to leave the house." I'm sooooo bad because sometimes even though he's being naughty I can't help but laugh! And HE KNOWS IT! I fear that he's going to be one of those sneaky kids.

He's a cool kid for all of his special reasons that are completely different than all of the special reasons his brother is a cool kid. He makes us smile and laugh everyday and has been such a joy to our lives.

I KNOW that God has big plans for this little guy of ours. After a year of trying to have a baby with no luck, my husband and I found ourselves separated for reasons having nothing to do with trying to have a baby. After 6 months we were back together and I decided that I was going to leave my job to be a stay-at-home mom and recommit myself to my husband and family. Within weeks of us being back together we conceived L. Such an awesome gift from God. I will cherish it, treasure it and nurture it the best that I can.

My First Born Boy

So my son M brings home in his folder in the SAME day a science test with an "F" and a permission slip to do a gifted screening test on him. Ironic?

We had a little discussion that maybe he needs to bring his book home to study before a test. His reply, "But they didn't tell us to." His teacher was nice enough to let him correct his test for some extra credit points. However, he still didn't bring his book home!

I figured we'd go ahead with the gifted screening. He's been fortunate enough these past several years to be involved in the gifted pull-out program. I think he is a very smart little boy; I think he's a lot like his dad. Very intelligent but lacks to see the big picture and importance of trying and working your hardest for the grades you deserve. The test I think will show us just what his capabilities are and give me some better ground for pushing him harder or letting up a little.

He was definitely a super-star soccer player last night. In fact this whole season he's been quite impressive. He's really blossomed into an aggressive, skilled player. Last night when he was playing forward he was able to dribble the ball down the field, maneuver the ball around one defender, maneuver the ball around the second defender and then kick the ball into the corner of the goal to score. It was just awesome! Both my hubby and I (who were on opposite sides of the field) said we got a little choked up about it.

I don't know if it the age, but he has developed this attitude this year. Just a real smart mouth, disrespectful attitude towards us and I even see him treat other adults that way. I don't want to be crabbing to him about his behavior all of the time, but it really needs to stop. I know with the pre-teen/teen years approaching rapidly there will be attitudes and struggles. But I really want us to remain civil and not become a mother-son who yell at each other.

I do think I expect more out of him because he is the oldest. I feel guilty about it a lot but still press on. I need to remember that he's only 9 (almost 10) and not 18. I can be such a control freak when it comes to my kids. I need to trust in God a whole lot more, pray more for my kids rather than getting frustrated with them when all they are doing is acting their age.

He really is a good boy. He does well in school, doesn't get into trouble while there, has a huge loving heart and has such and can just be an all around fun kid. I can hardly believe that it was almost 10 years that I held his tiny 6 lb 2 oz body close to my and snuggled his sweet bald head. I worry about my parenting with him because I'm young and I just don't want to "mess up". I just want to love him and equip him with everything he needs to know for life. Isn't that what we all want for our children?

Amazed

Just about everyone is in the "know" of our happy news. Our son turned 4 last Saturday so we put both boys in T-Shirts that said "I have a secret" on the front. The back said, "I'm going to be a Big Brother" Our M's shirt also said the word, "Again". Our siblings were all excited for us.

We've also told most of our closest friends. They too are very excited for us.

I've just been filled with so many "warm fuzzies" this past week as we've shared our news because it's been such a different reaction from our other two pregnancies. Not that people weren't happy for us but there were other circumstances in our lives during both of those times that I'm sure caused some concerns on whether or not it was the "right" time for us to be having a baby. But I know that the other pregnancies were at the "right" time because all things are on God's time...not ours.

I've just had so many warm hugs and sweet loving words it's just been great!

We had a 10 week ultra sound on Thursday. I am still in amazement over the miracle of life growing inside of me. The changes that there has been in 4 short weeks, the fact that Peanut is just 3.48 cm. long and I can see FINGERS and to be able to see the baby moving its arms and legs and opening its mouth....it's all just so cool! I have my first appointment with my mid-wife on Monday. We have been officially released from the specialist. YAY!!

Life has sure been keeping me on my toes the past couple of weeks. Commitments outside of the house, field trips and sports for the kids, homework, a new Bible study, (WITH HOMEWORK) L's bday party, and then there's the laundry and regular day to day mess that keeps piling up at home. Yesterday I was sure I was drowning. Thankfully, the woozies seem to have subsided but the sleepies are still there. They hit me hard around 5 o'clock after a day of mom/wife duties. Making for a very cranky wife for my poor husband and kids at times.

Fall is defiantly in the air. The cool crisp weather has been lovely. I want to go pick apples this weekend....between raindrops! In a few weeks we'll hop in the car for a drive up north a bit to see the beautiful trees. This is by far my most favorite time of year.

Hopefully, I can find some more time to write. I truly enjoy it but when there are so many other things that need to be done I have mommy guilt that I need to work, work, work rather than relax and take time for myself.

Blessings to you all....

I Remember...

5 years ago I was at home with my then 4-year old son. He was in the living room watching his cartoons and I was just going about my morning. The phone rang and it was my husband. It was a shock to hear his voice on the other end because we had been separated for several months and were in the process of a divorce.

"Are you watching television?" It was the most civil he had talked to me in months.

"No, why?" I asked.

He proceeded to tell me what had happened and I watched the news in shock.

"This is bad, really bad," I remember him saying.

After getting off the phone with him I called a couple of friends from work. I worked at a television station in the production department. I was a news geek....there was breaking news and I knew I had to get to work.

I quickly dressed and got my son ready for and dropped him off at day care and was at my station by 10:30 that morning. I usually worked a second shift position. But everyone was there in the control room. I took my seat next to the director and that's basically where I sat for the next 12 hours.

When we weren't on our network we were doing local cut ins. It was a fly-by-the seat of your pants day. This was what news was all about. The adrenaline rush carried me through the day.

At one point I called my husband. I needed to hear his voice. When he returned my call he was short with me and I almost regretted that decision. He asked about when I was going to get on my own health insurance because he had some papers to sign at work. Our country was under attack and THIS is what he has to say to me?

Most people chose to sit and watch the events unfold. I didn't because I was part of making it unfold for people. I couldn't escape it. As I watched one of the network reporters get choked up towards the end of his story I realized how much worse so many people are right now than myself. Here I was in the middle of a divorce with my husband for selfish reasons and there were people out there wondering where their loved ones were.


I remember the images from that horrific day. But mostly I remember how I felt. Scared; confused; like my life was spinning out of control. I had nighmares for a long time after. I called them "end of the world" nightmares. I haven't had any in a long while which is good I suppose.

I worked at least 12 hours that day, not getting home until late. That night, I slept in my bed that my husband and I shared. Neither of us had moved out during the separation and I had been sleeping in my son's room on a mattress on the floor. But I just needed to be near my husband that night; needed to feel him somewhat close; needed to feel safe. I was back in at work by 6 a.m. the next day to direct the morning news and put in another 12 hours at least.

On Sept. 13th my husband and I had our first counseling session. Although there were many more rough spots in the months ahead I eventually called off the divorce; just in time for Christmas. I don't know if I would have been so willing to work on things with him had it not been for September 11th; had my life not been put into perspective for me that day; had I not realized how short life is.

My heart continues to break and weep for those who were affected by this tragedy in a direct way.

If you have a 9/11 story that you would like to share...post it on your blog and go to Rocks in my Dryer and add your name to the Mr. Linky and read what others have written as well.

Blessings....

Random Ramblings

I haven't felt very "bloggy" lately. Just haven't had a whole lot to ramble about. So here are just a few random things to report on from the Laundry Trenches.

Kids are getting into the swing of things with school. M who is in 4th grade is yet to bring any homework home. He's been able to get it done in school, which is good. We have been working nightly on spelling words which can be a struggle in itself. It's 20 words...and they aren't terribly hard. He just doesn't like to have to WORK for his grades. Math and science are easy for him....spelling and English are a little more challenging and he gets frustrated when it takes a little extra work. Soccer has also started....practices right now and games start next Thursday. I can hardly imagine that he's going to be 10 in a couple of months. He's already sporting that pre-teen attitude and disrespect lately. Which I'm sure is just a phase but I'm really starting to feel grouchy for having to correct him ALL OF THE TIME!

L really seems to be enjoying preK. He gets off the bus each day at noon and I ask him if he had a good day. He says, "Yeah, I want to go back there again!" So cute! I'm already beginning to notice him using some of what he's learned at home. They've been talking about good and bad social skills, how to be awesome cleaners and their teacher taught them some sign language today! In church he's actually been PARTICIPATING in the singing!!! He NEVER did that before! The preK teachers were a little worried about him because when we were in for his screening last spring he showed some separation anxiety problems. But he's been doing great! He has his first field trip next week. It should be exciting!!!

The peanut must be doing well because I'm still battling the woozies and the sleepies. But it's all good!!! Tomorrow we have another u/s with the nurse at the RE's office then we jaunt over to my OB's office and visit with my midwife's nurse! I keep thinking that this will be our last Halloween as a family of 4....our last Thanksgiving, our last Christmas....by Mother's Day we'll take the annual mom and kids pictures....and there will be one more!!! Like I told my best friend today, I'm trying to NOT anticipate my due date too much. This has been something we've wanted for so long and now that we finally have it I want to ENJOY every second of it! Especially the icky ones! This very well could be our last pregnancy also. We won't do what we did this last time to get pregnant again. If it is God's will for us to have more kids, He will make it happen. If not, then that's is OK too.

My hubby has been GREAT and very supportive. I've really been slacking in my "job" lately. He does his job during the day, comes home and helps with dinner and dishes and kids. I've promised him that his lovely wife will return soon. I would like us to have maybe a couple of dates between now and the time baby gets here. Mostly because since I'm nursing baby will always be with me for the next year after it gets here.

I'm looking forward to next week. Lots of things to keep me busy! It will either kill me or do a world of good for me! I find when I have other things to focus on the woozies and sleepies aren't as bad. There will defiantly be plenty to focus on next week!

Something for Fun

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Where Reporting From The Laundry Trenches is a Pleasure

My 'Wittle Peanut

I didn't even realize that I hadn't posted about my ultra sound yet! I haven't even been on the computer since Friday night which is good I suppose. Friday and Saturday were pretty decent days in terms of the wozzies and the sleepies. And then I made up for it on Sunday! Today isn't looking so great either.

So, we went in and had our ultra sound on Friday morning. There was one little sack with one little heart beat! It is just so cool that something that is a whole whopping 3 mm long can have a heartbeat of 111 beats per minute. **Falling in love with my 'wittle peanut already**

My hubby was SOOOO relieved to see just one. If it had been twins it would have been a little scary but I know we would have handled it. I wasn't sure if I could physically nurse two babies. But now I know with one there will be no problem.

The u/s tech was moving the wand thing around and asked if I'd been nauseous at all. I replied YES! She had found a cyst that is related to pregnancy that causes that. Then she went to the other side and found a second one! UGH! I told hubby that he can't make fun of me any more because there is now documented medical evidence for my woozies! LOL!

We still haven't told anyone else. I think we'll tell the rest of the family at our sons bday party on Sept. 16th. We will still be in the first trimester but nearing the end within a few weeks. After that maybe we can start to let some of our other friends know and come the end of the first tri we'll share the news with our church family.

Turning into a Blogger PRO!

LOOKIE!!! LOOKIE!!! Look what I did today! I added links to all of the blogs that I read!!! I'm so excited!! I'm just like the "cool kids" now!! It took a few tries to figure it out but I DID IT!!!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!

Having a proud moment!

Small Victories

Despite the woozies, the sleepies and the crabbies I am just so blessed to finally be pregnant. Since we began this journey over 2 years ago I have learned a lot. I'm a different person; a different wife; a different mom. I know that God intended us to have this struggle so I could be where I am now in my life before He blessed us with another child. This process has given me a greater appreciation for the female body and how it works, for conception and for the gift of life; It has given me patient; It has taught me the importance of celebrating even the small victories in life.

Today started off as slow as it has been the past several days. But once I got showered and my Hubby laid some pretty awesome kisses on me before heading out today I had a burst of energy. I was able to dust and clean the glass and do a detail vacuum job in my living/dining area. I was able to tidy up the bathroom and wash several blankets all before L got off the bus at noon. By the time I got him lunch and he was playing with his toys I was feeling a little tired so I laid on the couch and watched some TV. I got yet another burst of energy and was able to tidy up the kitchen and put laundry away. YAY for small victories!!!! I hope that I'm able to continue to maintain my home and provide for my family during this first trimester despite the woozies and sleepies and crabbies. Thankfully my hubby is WONDERFUL and willing to help me in anyway I need him to.

The one thing that has changed the most over the past two years is that I have gained a greater, deeper appreciation for my children. I realize now more than ever what miracles they BOTH are and how lucky I am to be their mom.

Mommy the Grouch!

I've felt so grouchy lately! At my husband at my kids. I just haven't felt like a very nice person. I can usually bite my tongue on a lot of things because i just don't want to be that way. But today when I went into the kitchen to find a tub of melted ice cream with ANTS EVERYWHERE I lost it! Then I realized how I sounded and had been sounding the past couple of days. I've been consciously trying to prevent myself from throwing up and passing out from exhaustion that I sort of forgot about my manners along the way. OOPS!!

Our last blood test we had showed that everything was progressing the way it should be with this pregnancy. My HCG level had been 460 the first day and four days later it was 2,146!!!! It's suppose to double every 72 hours....I'm such an overachiever!
We have our first ultra sound on FRIDAY!!!!!! I'm very anxious to see the heartbeat. I'm anxious to see how MANY heartbeats there are. One would be a blessing....two would be a double blessing. Three I might freak out a little. I'm worried about how I'll feel if I only see one heartbeat. I've been preparing myself for the possibility of twins that I'm worried I'll be disappointed if there's just one. As long as there is a healthy heartbeat that I can see I will be celebrating!

It has been so hard not to be able to share this news with all of the people who know what we've been going through. All of the people who have been hoping and praying for this for us as much as we have. I've had several people ask how things are going and I've just replied "GOOD!" and tried to not say anything more than that. Hubby says maybe in another 6 weeks we can tell people. I think he's CRAZY if he thinks I can wait another 6 weeks! Maybe we can split the difference and wait another 3 weeks.

BuhBuh is home from school today. He threw up this morning right after drinking a big glass of milk. He was so devastated about having to miss school. I tried to explain to him that we can't go to school when we are sick. He said, "but it's all gone now." Poor guy! He's been fine ever since. Has gobbled down 3 pieces of toast and some applesauce. Might go ahead and let him eat regular food for dinner.

First Day of School

My oldest went back on Wednesday. He said he liked his teacher; said he was funny. Today is his first FULL day of school. I can't believe he's in the 4th grade this year! Amazing! We're really trying to encourage straight A's on his report card. Not because we put a huge value on grades, but because we KNOW he is capable!




Today I put my 3 year old on the bus. **GASP** Our elementary school has a PreK program that he will be attending 5 days a week for the morning. I wasn't going to put him on the bus but it really wasn't for any other reason than my own mommy issues. I figured it would be good for him to know how to ride the bus because they take field trips every month and who knows what things will be like towards the end of the school year. He did great! I cried! He seemed to of had a good first day. He told me he wants to go back.



The house sure was quiet this morning. I cleaned the bathroom floor, did some laundry and prepared my Sunday School lesson. I think once I get use to having my mornings to myself I'll be amazed at how fast it goes before he's already home! It will give me a great opportunity to catch up as much as I can on my scrapbooking before baby comes in April. And maybe I can get this house nice and organized! Lord knows with more than 2 children I'm going to NEED it!

Next week is a full week of full days. Surely we'll be getting into the swing of things with our schedules and routines.

Which Way to Heaven?

Do you ever think about death and where we go after we die? I absolutely believe in Heaven. I use to think that everyone went to heaven. But the bible does say that Heaven is only for those who have accepted Jesus as their savior and believe that he died for our sins and rose from the dead. In a perfect world and because God loves all of us so much, I wish everyone were able to go to Heaven; if somehow, someway, Jesus himself were able to rescue those who may have otherwise fallen short either a little or a lot and bring them home. But no one really knows this for sure. What we do know is what the bible tells us.

John 3:16 says it all really: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son so that whoever believed in him would not perish but have eternal life" I also like John 14:6 which says: "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

I think these two passages really sum up the reality of how to get to Heaven. It makes me sad when I think about all of the people who don't feel this way. Especially when it's the people I love.

My husband's faith has grown a lot since our Walk to Emmaus this past March. But I still wonder about what he feels and believes exactly.

One day I asked him, "Will I see you in Heaven?"

"You bet," he answered. "But I don't think you go to Heaven as a couple, I think you go up there as individuals."

His answered made me feel a little better. I told him that was ok with me. As long as I knew that I'd see his smile.

As we were sitting through a funeral service for my husbands uncle yesterday I listened to all of this beautiful scripture in regards to Heaven. I wondered if his uncle was a believer; wondered if his uncle was in Heaven, stuff like that. Then I began to wonder about the others sitting in that room and what they believed. As I sat there relishing in the words from the Bible and drew a strength and a peace from it, I wondered how much of the Word was being soaked up by others.

As we were driving to the cemetery my husband said "With all of those nice things (scripture) being said, I wonder how much of it fell upon deaf ears."

I told him that I had been thinking the same sort of thing.

"That's ok," he said, "They still have time."

Now this REALLY warmed my heart when he said this and cleared away even more of the fuzziness that I had in regards to his faith.

As much as I would love to take all of those I love by the hand and lead them to a relationship with Christ I know that's not the way. The way is to pray for them, to show them Christ's love through my life, and be there loving them regardless all of the days of their lives. Maybe I'll touch a heart or two along the way.

Still Sinking In

On Thursday My Sweetie wanted me to take another test. Yep! It was STILL positive. So, I called my RE's office and they wanted me to come in for some bloodwork to check my progestrone and HCG levels.

The nurse had called back before I even got home and she was very enthusiastic. I called her back and she said that she was hoping for a progestrone level higher than 12. Mine was 40! She was hoping for a HCG level of at least 100. Mine was 460!! I go back again on Monday and the progestrone number needs to have continued to climb and the HCG needs to have at least doubled. Then she said we'd schedule a ultra sound appt. to see if we can find a heartbeat. I asked her if that's when we'll know how many heartbeats there are and she said yes. She reminded me that I did have 2 mature follicles and that my levels WERE pretty high. So, I'm thinking my chances for more than one are looking pretty good. I could handle two. I would panic if there were three. I don't even want to THINK about there being more than that.

My Sweetie is VERY leary on telling anyone anything at this point. Mostly because it is SO early and you just don't know what could happen. So we are being cautious. We did tell the parents just because they knew the treatments we had been going through. I left them two balloons and this...




My mom called to congratulate me on Thursday. But when she called my MIL was here and she hadn't been home to find her surprise yet. So I told my mom I'd call her back later. Then I realized that I hadn't told her that we weren't telling anyone else yet. So I snuck in a quick phone call to tell her to keep it quiet for the time being since it was so early.

"Oops! I just told your brother!"

"UGH! Ok, don't tell anyone else."

When my MIL left I called my mom back again and filled her in on my blood work and what was next. Then I told her to not be surprised if it was twins.

"WHAT does THAT mean!?!?!"

**BEEP**

"Gotta go mom. That's my other line and it's probably my MIL."

**CLICK**

It was my MIL and as soon as she said hello I laughed!!! It was just so funny that we'd spent the past hour canning pickles together and she didn't know!!

Our best friends know too. Sadly she had to read my blog to find out. Which is not the way I wanted to tell her but I needed the parents to know first and we were just very leary on telling too many people because of how early it is. I think she understood and still loves me!

I'm not sure how much it has sunk in yet. I still don't really feel pregnant. I feel a little bloated but that's about it. I think after I hear how my numbers are on Monday and we see the heartbeat(s) I will start to feel better about this. It just still seems like a dream I supppose. Something I've been wanting and working to acheive for so long might actually finally be ours!

My Sweetie patted my tummy today and said, "Hello princesses"

It was cute. It made me smile.

The Truth has been Revealed

Wednesday afternoon My Sweetie came home with taco bell in one hand and a 3 pack of home pregnancy tests in the other. WOO-HOO for taco bell!!!

A short while after he was home we were in our room just snuggling and chatting.

"Why don't you go take a test now," he asked.

"NO!!! I am NOT taking a test now," I reply

He tries to coax me into it a little more. I explain to him that I really don't want to have to face the disappoint of a negative result. Especially since I just DON'T FEEL pregnant.

He gets up and I hear him calling my name from the bathroom.

I try to hide under the blankets. He continues to call my name.

Reluctantly, I go to him. He's sitting on the kids step stool opening the package of tests.

"Here, just take one real quick."

I BURST into tears.

"I don't want to!! I'm scared!!" I cry.

"Ok, Ok, if you really don't want to then I won't make you."

I take the test from him and take it with him sitting right there. Before it starts to do anything I put the cap on and hand it over to him. I can't bear to watch! I'm still crying.

I sit there trying to read his face. Surely I'll be able to tell by the way he reacts.

He hands me the test.

My tears of fear quickly turn into tears of JOY!

Less than 24 hours

I woke up this morning thinking, "Tomorrow I'll test"

I'm scared to death! Scared of being crushed; scared of being disappointed; scared of not being able to function enough to take care of my family. So much in fact I almost DON'T want to test. I have pickles to can tomorrow....I can't get a negative and be sad about it!!!

Today I woke up and felt a little crampy. I feared AF might be on her way. I have THREE ZITS on my face. I NEVER break out only around AF time. Not the crampy feeling has turned into more of an overall achy feeling. Stress? Nerves? Who knows.

Last night I had ANOTHER dream. I took a test and the darn lines kept appearing and disappearing and I couldn't figure out whether or not I was actually pregnant or not!!! I kept asking My Sweetie, "do you see anything? what do YOU think?"

Yesterday when I was having my little "freak out" moment I found comfort and peace to get me through the day in my bible. Maybe I need to go do some more reading today!!! I haven't done my devotions yet.....maybe that will help.

I'm hoping to go down my "to do" list for the week and cross some things off. I've been so consumed with my "what if's" and "maybe's" that I've neglected the things that I should have been doing this week FOR OTHERS!!!!! Feeling very selfish!!!

L spent the night with his Gma last night and we took M out for Chinese and a movie last night. We both slept in until 8:30 this morning!!! It's a cloudy, rainy, cool day. Maybe we'll break out some board games before L comes home.

Thank you all for you sweet comments, prayers and support. But mostly for making me feel like there are people out there actually reading my ramblings with an open heart.

Blessings...

Testing on Thursday

In the two years since My Sweetie and I have been TTC, this has been the LONGEST cycle. It's the first cycle in 17 months that I've actually had some sort of a chance to conceive. It's the first time I've ovulated in that time also. I am on pins and needles right now; the anxiety is killing me. Nurse said I could test Thursday!!!! When I woke up this morning I told myself...."just two more mornings and you'll know"

I always thought that I would just "know" that I was pregnant before testing. The other times I've been pregnant I sort of already knew. But is that all in retrospect now? I don't really feel like I have any symptoms. My boobs have been a little sore and on Sunday I found myself a little more emotional than usual. All could be PMS sypmtoms as well. The only other thing is that my nose is driving me crazy!!! My last pregnancy I had nose/sinus problems for the first 4 months and it started a couple weeks prior to a positive pregnancy test. I hope it's not "just a cold". It is summertime after all.

I had a dream last night that I took a test and it was positive. Then later I had another dream that I had a little hard "bump" and could see and feel a baby moving. I never remember my dreams.

A year ago I remember a conversation with My Sweetie about how it would be really great to give him a princess in the month of April so she could have the diamond as her birth stone. Obviously April came and went and still no baby but we did mark the 2 year anniversary of TTC. This whole time I've been doing treatment this cycle I never once stopped to think about what an edd (estimated due date) would be until the other day. I typed in the information into a due date calculator on baby center and it came back April 19th 2007; Birth sone: Diamond; give or take a few days of what would be our three year anniversary since we started TTC. What a sweet way to end the journey!

Menu Plan Monday

Monday: crescent Roll Hot dogs (yup! really gourmet!) mixed vegs. and grapes

Tuesday: Baked chicken drumsticks, smashed potatoes, cauliflower and cheese sauce

Wednesday: Eat dinner at Church

Thursday: Um, something with the ground turkey in my fridge

Friday: Fair food!!!!! Prob. pork chop sandwiches and/or walking tacos and birthday cake at my niece's party

Where's My Weather Radio!!!!!

Last night I woke up to a nice rumbling of thunder. I thought, "Ah, a nice summer time thunderstorm" I had heard My Sweetie get out of bed and go outside. I figured he was making sure that water wasn't seeping into the basement.

"Hon, looks like we're going to get a bad storm," he said.

"Really, how bad?" I asked. I have a fear of REALLY bad storms.

"Well, the power has been blown out."

I instantly JUMP out of bed and head to the kitchen to get a flashlight. I feel around in the cupboard for it and find it. Turn it on and, NO LIGHT! I frantically hit the button a few more times just to make sure.

"Hon, I already have a flashlight," My Sweetie tells me.

I trudge back into the bedroom and take it. When there is a storm or any sort of an approaching storm it is part of my CONTROLLING nature to know what is going on or coming. But without any electricity I can't turn on the TV, radio or get on the computer very easily no can I?

So I go in search of my trusty weather radio....it's battery powered!! I know just where I put it. So I take the flashlight and start looking for it. I CAN'T FIND IT!!!

Naturally now, I have to pee. Partly because of nerves, partly because I've gotten out of bed. I put a hold on my search and trudge off with flashlight in hand to the bathroom. When I'm done I head back to the bedroom.

As I walk by, THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS!!!!

I scream....It's My Sweetie. He was watching the storm and apparently thought it would be funny to scare me in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm with no electricity!

I resume my search.

My Sweetie tells me to come to bed. He makes some comment on how the storm will be over by the time I find my weather radio.

I continue to search. I search everywhere where I think it should've/could've been and can't find it. I'm pulling all sorts of stuff out of the closet looking for it. I begin to freak out a little more because my one source of information is MISSING!! I can feel a slight panic attack coming on.

Finally, I give up and get back into bed. I prop up the pillows so that I am sitting and have the flashlight in hand and don't remove my glasses. Because it's very important to be able to see in a blackout!

I want to bring the kids downstairs so they'll be "safe". My Sweetie says no. Thoughts of racing upstairs to rescue them if the storm sirens go off run through my head.

Then I get back up and head back to the closet and dig around some more. EUREKA!!!! Mission accomplished!!!

I get it all tuned in and listen to the entire weather forecast. They don't say anything about the storm other than it's raining. They said there were 45 mph winds....explains the power outage.

I turn off the radio and set it for alarm. If something bad happens the alarm will go off and I'll know what to do.

"I want to bring my babies downstairs," I tell My Sweetie.

"They're sleeping. They're fine," he tells me.

That doesn't make me feel any better. What would make me feel better would be if my babies were downstairs SAFE! I get back into bed. I was trying so hard to remember Joy's Husband Blessings and to "hold my tongue when something is done differently than I want," and "When I am hurt by words, I will first look to the Lord, instead of my emotions"

Oh yeah!!! GOD!!!! Darn it! Here I was falling back into my old ways of wanting to CONTROL everything I didn't turn to God. So I prayed a little. I began to feel better. Then the wind picked up and I panicked again and said to my self I was just going to go up there and get them myself!!!

I jump up out of bed on a mission.

"Where are you going," My Sweetie asked.

"To get my babies!" I declared.

"They are fine, get back into bed."

Now it was either Joy or God talking to me....."listen to him." Like My Sweetie's really going to let anything bad happen to us? Never.

So I got back into bed and prayed some more. I began to feel better. The storm began to settle. I began to drift off to sleep. When I was sure the storm was finally past us I fixed my pillows, took off my glasses and settled down to sleep. Keeping the flashlight handy of course just in case one of the kids came down to use the bathroom or get a drink of water in the middle of the night.

The power was back on before we L woke up at 6:45 a.m. And it was sort of funny to see the MESS I made of my closet in search of my weather radio.

It sure was tough to get up this morning!!! I was sleepy!! Must not have had a very good nights sleep. LOL!

Warm Fuzzies

How much do we LOVE nice comments on or about our blog. I don't think I've ever had a bad comment but today I had one from Andrew who left a first time comment on my blog. To be honest, at first I was a little freaked out about a MAN reading my blog (sorry Andrew!!! I shouldn't JUDGE!! I feel blessed that you found me!) but he just left the nicest comment on my blog it just gave me a "warm fuzzie" for the day. So, Thank you Andrew!!! I look forward to reading YOUR BLOG now too!!

Ironically, in my email box today was a message fro Pajama Mama titled "The Blogging Good Blogger Days" She has given us all a mission for the next few days. It's really easy actually. Just go and visit the blogs you normally visit, maybe click around and visit some new ones and leave a nice comment. Something you like about their blog, about the way they write, about the way the touch you.

Post a similar message in YOUR blog to either mine or Pajama Mama (she said you can copy and paste hers if you give her credit!) and then you'll be able to sit back and enjoy all of the warm fuzzies in your mail box. I would think leaving warm fuzzies in others boxes should make you feel really good to!!

So go, be nice and feel good!!

Blessings.....

School Time Conditioning

My 25-year old brother, God Bless him, is training for a marathon in Milwaukee, WI. He's been conditioning his body and preparing for months and the race still isn't until October. My SIL and I, among others, feel that part of this conditioning for this kind of a race is to have a complete health physical.....he isn't convinced.

I've decided since it is the first of August (almost) that it is time for our family to start conditioning ourselves for school. Last night the kids were in bed a little after 8:30 p.m. and this morning we got breakfast and dressed, made beds and did our morning chores (my older son did this) I am also designating Monday's and Wednesdays as NO TV/VIDEO GAME DAYS! Which has been successful, sort of, so far. It's amazing what their little imaginations can do with pillows, blankets and couch cushions....besides make a horrible mess of the living room....LOL!

I've also been working on a Home Management Binder which consists of basic morning/afternoon/evening routines, basic weekly plans, cleaning lists. I'm going to add other things to this later. Anyway, since I'm trying to condition the kids for the fast approaching start of school, I decided I needed to condition myself as well. We all know how schedules and routines fly right out the window in the summer months.

Today I did my morning routine which consists of showering/dressing/hair/make-up, morning devotions, making the bed, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom figuring out dinner and starting the laundry. There are also "school related" items included in my morning routine which I skipped today, obviously. BUT, I didn't not complete these things until 11:30 this morning!!! The plan is to have this stuff done before the kids leave for school.....however, today was payday and My Sweetie decided I should do bills first, so I did. Plus, I didn't have it in me to wake up at 6:30....I need to work up to that one next week maybe!

Then I moved onto my basic plan for Monday which consists of Washing/Folding/Putting away the colored and dark loads of laundry, *This is still in process* Blessing my home which is scrubbing the bathtub, scrubbing the bathroom floor, cleaning the glass in the house (doors, picture frames, mirrors) dusting and vacuuming. I didn't get to the vacuuming yet because I can't see the floor due to the pillows, blankets, and couch cushions that are all over. I also have on my Monday List to spend 15 minutes in the ZONE for the week doing a cleaning project....I've decided against this one today also due to all of the extra picking up I've done today.

When you train for a marathon you don't run 26 miles the first day.....so, rather than trying to do EVERYTHING that I plan to do for fall in one day, we'll simply continue to work on conditioning ourselves little by little each day so we'll be ready for the big race!!

Menu Plan Monday

I found a new blog!!! The name of it is MUSIC to my ears!!! I'm an organizing junkie.

LAAAAAA!!!!! Here the music?? I'm so excited.

I'm an organizing junkie wanna be.....I have all of these plans and lists but sometimes just get OVERWHELMED with this old house and all the STUFF we have.....more on how I'm going to tackle this later. Maybe she can give me some much needed inspiration.

Anyway, Org Junkie has come up with a brilliant plan for those of us who menu plan or those of us who wish to menu plan. It would be a GREAT help to some of us who get into a rut.....we can browse other peoples menus and figure out what WE are going to do!! LOL!

Here is what I'm planning to do this week....it's nice to have a plan but sometimes I get in the mood for something else and the plan dissipates. LOL!

MONDAY: Chicken Swiss Bake (I went to one of those places where you prepare 12 meals for your freezer....this is that last of what I have left from it.) Frozen Mixed vegetables and rolls (assuming I remember to take them from the freezer and let them rise!)

TUESDAY: Grilled Chicken Breasts (marinated in Italian Dressing) Pasta Salad and fruit

WEDNESDAY: On Wednesdays we have a youth program at church and they serve dinner at 6 p.m. YAY!!! NO COOKING!!!

THURSDAY: Leftovers (clean out the fridge before garbage day!)and kiwi Orange Poppy Seed Salad

FRIDAY: Black Bean Tamale Pie

SATURDAY: Dinner at Mom's for brother's bday

If you'd like to join the Monday Menu Plan hop on over to Organized Junkie and sign up. Or, if you'd like.....just browse everyone else's plans!!!

The Waiting Game Begins

Well, we've done all we can do. The 5 days of Clomid, the 6 days of Follistim Shots in the tummy accompanied by frequent trips to the Dr. for ultra sound and blood work, the HCG shot to release the eggs and the IUI-intrauterine insemination-to help those "fellas" have a more direct path to where they need to go. Now all we can do is WAIT!!!!

As of Tuesday when I had my last ultra sound and blood work, I had 2 mature follies...one at 19 mm and another at 18 mm. I also had a follie that was 14 mm which could have matured by the time the trigger shot kicked in. So, the chances for multiples are defiantly there. I dropped of My Sweeties "cup" at the office today and went and had a cup of coffee and purchased $50 worth of cards at Super Target...because this is what one does just before insemination....LOL! It calmed my nerves to pick out a variety of cards to have on hand for any sort of an occasion.

I went back to the Dr. office and the nurse called me back and let me look at the sperm in the microscope. It was quite amazing to see them in there dancing around. She said that they looked GREAT and that sometimes she's lucky to get 5-6 of them in the screen.....oh boy! There were MORE than 5-6 in our dish! LOL!!! My Sweetie was very proud! As we were walking into the room I asked her for the ones with the pink bows on. She laughed. I'm glad she found it a little funny.

The IUI was fast and pretty painless. I've been a little crampy yesterday and today but I'm hoping that is a GOOD sign.

I go back on Thursday for a progestorone test.....a number of 10 or above will confirm ovulation. Then hopefully we'll be seeing 2 lines looking back at us around the 10th of August!

Needles and Shots and Hormones, OH MY!

Last night I did the first of a series of injections of FSH (the hormone that makes eggies grow!) After dinner My Sweetie and I went into the bedroom to conquer this task. I had decided that I should give myself the shot because if he were ever not here when I needed to do it I should probably know how!

So, we gathered all of the supplies and My Sweetie read aloud the instructions. Which, by the way were very easy to follow. I did fine until I pulled the protective cover off of the needle. There it was in all its glory. Shiny, Pointy and suppose to go WHERE?!?! Into my stomach? Tears filled my eyes and My Sweetie asked if I was going to be OK. KEEP READING PLEASE!! I need to get through this.

So then came the part when I was suppose to put the needle into my stomach. I hesitated....naturally. But then I did it....although to tell you the truth, I don't actually REMEMBER sticking it in. I do remember pushing the button to dispense the medicine and that hurt a little more than the actual "sticking."

When I pulled the needle out successfully there was blood coming from that little pin hole. Then I remembered how much my stomach bled when I pierced my belly button....ICK. ANYWAY, earlier that day when My Sweetie went to the store to fetch me some alcohol swabs for the process he also bought me some Disney Princess tattoo Band Aides....and let me tell ya! I made my boo-boo feel all better!! :)

Last night when I was sleeping you'll never guess what I dreamed about....NEEDLES AND SHOTS!!! I felt really restless all night, and it felt like every time I closed my eyes the only thing I could "see" were the needles! There were some big scary needles in my dreams last night too....which I think are coming from the fear of the needle I use for my HCG trigger shot. YIKES! I haven't seen it yet, but clearly I'm all freaked out about it!!!

I have been pleasantly surprised with my mood. It must be an answered prayer! I was so concerned about being an emotional, hormonal WRECK with these shots that naturally I prayed about it. And guess what?!?! I FEEL GRRRRREEEEATTTTTTTTT!!!!!! For now, knock on wood! :)

So, I'll do another shot tonight and then I go in bright and early for blood work and ultra sound Saturday Morning to check on how things are progressing. Then we'll go from there! Hopefully things look good and we'll be able to continue on. I would love to NOT be able to this next month....wink....wink!!

Uh-Oh....Soapbox time

There was an article in our local newspaper that really upset me. So much in fact I wanted to Blog about it. As I was doing some surfing today I found the article online along with 100+ comments. I read most of them and everyone has an opinion that they feel is the "right" opinion to have. Because of the Free Speech amendment we are all allowed to speak our minds without being persecuted. We are allowed protest things that we don't believe in and we are allowed to make the beliefs we do have known and heard.

The Westboro Baptist Church (I'd put a link on here, but I found several different ones so if you are interested do a Google Search) says

The group believes soldiers are being killed in Iraq because God is punishing the United States, especially its military, for tolerating homosexuality

The part that upset me most was that this group feels that God punishes people. God doesn't punish! He is a loving God who sent his Son to die for OUR SINS! And if we bow down and confess our sins and hand our life over to Christ then we will have eternal life.

Sgt. 1st Class Wehrly was a member of Bethel Baptist. Rev. Kendall said he received an e-mail from the soldier a few months before the man died, calling attention to the philosophy of the Westboro Baptist Church.

The soldier wrote that it didn't bother him that people were against the war in Iraq. However, Rev. Kendall recalled the soldier saying, "I don't think these people are preaching the proper message. Please inform the staff at Bethel to pray for them that their eyes will be opened to the real light."

"It's obvious Kyle was praying for them and they were condemning him," Rev. Kendall said. "I'm going to do what Kyle did. I'm going to pray for them."

What a light for Jesus Kyle Wehrly was....HE has the right attitude and I'm sure he is celebrating eternity right now with Jesus at his side.

As I read some of the comments that people from ALL OVER THE COUNTRY have made in regards to this article I found myself upset again. It saddened me the way some people view Christians. It saddened me that people are so turned off from Christ when all that he He has ever done was love them. It saddened me that people can be so harsh and cruel and judgmental when to me the teachings of Jesus seem so simple.

I know that there are always going to be extremists in the world. There are always going to be people who think they "know the way." There are always going to be people who disagree what this, that and the other. I just thank God for leading ME home and with Him in my heart, I know that it's ok to be upset with things like this and the best solution is like what Kyle Wehrly did, PRAY!

May God Bless each and every one of the soldiers who have fallen in this war, in wars of the past and in wars of the future. Without their heroism and bravery who knows the state this country/world would be in today. We may not agree with war, but the troops and the Commander and Chief of our country need our support and prayers.

Climbing off of my soapbox.....Have a blessed day!

My Quest for ORGANIZATION!

I made it one of my New Years Resolutions....To de-clutter and get organized! I have all these great ideas and plans and visions for my home....but DON'T IMPLEMENT!!! It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of day to day life that it is ALWAYS the housework/house management STUFF that suffers. But the sense of PEACE and HAPPINESS I feel when my home is somewhat put together is such a good feeling. I don't feel stressed, I feel like my mind is clear.

SO, in the few weeks left before my kids are back in school I'm going to ATTEMPT to put together a Home Management Binder. Cleaning lists, Daily Schedules, Meal Planning, Shopping Lists, etc... I've used some of flylady's techniques in the past. In fact, some of the ways I clean are her ideas! But I think I need to take what I've learned from her and adjust it to the needs of my home, family and personality.

Hopefully, by the time my kids are in school I'll be able to use my 3 hours a day that I'll have to myself as my "work" time; as my time to "serve" my family.

I have somehow been able to keep up on the laundry this summer! Now if I could just figure out how to do something with the toy room. YIKES!

Bullies...BEWARE !

What is it with kids and how they treat their peers! It breaks my heart when M (My Oldest) tells me the names kids have called him...twice this summer he's had his ball cap thrown into the dirt by another kid...and today the other kid in his swim class kept purposely splashing water at him while he was trying to do his laps. He has such a sweet, soft heart that is easily broken and he just doesn't understand why there are other kids who can be so cruel. I just wish I could protect him from all the hurt in the world. But the reality is that I can't.

So, I tell him that unfortunately it is just one of the sad truths about life. There are kids who are not nice to him now and there are going to be adults that are not nice to him when he is an adult. I told him it's all in how you handle it.

Now My Sweetie and I have quite differing opinions on how to react to these so called Bullies. My Sweetie has the "Eye for an Eye" therory. If someone calls you a name, you call them a name right back; if someone throws your hat in the dirt you do the same to theirs, if someone splashes you you splash them back. Revenge. Retaliation. Hate. OK, I know I shouldn't judge and this is such a Discipleship Denied issue for me that I really need to somehow work on, BUT, How is THAT Christ like?!?! ARGH!!!!!!!!

Whew, OK! Moving on...

I on the other hand think that you should love your enemies and forgive them I've told M before that if someone says something mean to him or does something mean to him he should say something nice back. It would just shock these kids I think to hear a come back of a compliment. Tried to stress the importance of nicely asking someone to stop what they are doing. I know that this is all easier said then done. But I really don't think revenge and/or retaliation is AT ALL the solution. That is why this world is in such shambles....people can't just "let things go," everyone feels that they need to fight for their way in this world.

I know I can't protect my kids from everything that is to come in their lives. The best I can do as their mom is to equip them with the confidence and love that they need to in fact love those who mistreat them and to forgive them. I need to teach them to give all their worries to God and to trust HIM to take care of things rather than trying to take care of things themselves.

I pray that someday My Sweetie will be able to back me up on this rather than argue with me about it.

Lessons From Camp

Well, M (My Oldest) has returned from camp all in one piece. A little dirty, but nonetheless, all in one piece! He survived the crazy sleeping arrangements, didn't starve, didn't drown. He actually did OK without ole' Mom. However when I went to pick him up I could tell that his back had gotten sun burnt and he told me, "I need YOU Mom to do those things for me."

I drove down on Friday with another friend who had a daughter there also. He seemed to have had a great time and said he would go back again. However, from the time he saw me he was ready to head home....AWE!!! I think he missed me! But I think he mostly missed his video games!! LOL!

The counselors said that M and his friend were the one on the BEST behaved kids they'd had all summer! M's counselor said that he felt that M had really gown over the last week.

After we dropped off our friends he told me that he had accepted Christ!! How awesome is that? He told me he was a "new creation," that he was "complete". He explained that he felt warm and tingly...I told him THAT was Jesus!

Today I complimented him on his nice behavior and attitude towards his brother since returning home. He told me, "I asked God to help me be a better brother" Precious!

I pray that the Holy Spirit continues to work in him and that he continues to grow closer to God.

Treading Water on a Roller Coaster

A new sense of hope comes over me on days like today. I get a little giddy; I get a litte anxious. I feel like a 5 year old on Christmas anticipating the excitement that is to come with the unwrapping of each gift.

Here we are...CYCLE DAY ONE! Not just ANY CD 1....no, no.....this is a CD 1 with a new plan in place. A new doctor; new drugs; new tests; a new opportunity for success.

Who knows what these next 28 days will hold for us. Maybe our lives will be changed; maybe in the end we will get the gift that we have been hoping for.

We also have to prepare our hearts for the possibility of disappointment because sometimes things just don't work out the way we planned. We just have to remember the One whose plan this really all is and continue to trust Him with ALL OUR HEART....Regardless of the outcome.

I've been trying to figure out a metaphor for these next 28 days. Here is what I've come up with so far:

These next 28 days might also be like apprehensively jumping into deep water without a lifejacket. You hope that you will stay afloat rather than drown; you hope that you can keep your head above water until someone comes and rescues you.

These next 28 days will be like a roller coaster ride. Many ups and downs; perhaps a few unexpected drops along the way; hopefully we won't get too disoriented if we happen to get turned upside down; hopefully when we get off we'll be able to say, "That was well worth the ride."

We will see where THIS path leads.

TTO so we can TTC-Part Two

In June we met with a RE (reproductive endrocrologist) who bombarded us with information. I've done a lot of reading over the past 2 years and I was still overwhelmed.

They "unofficially" diagnosised me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Something I had suspected awhile ago but everyone told me that I didn't "have the symptoms". The RE said that you don't have to have all of those other symptoms to have it.

Their solution for me was to do a low-stimulation cycle. They are hoping by giving me the FSH hormone-the hormone that is sent from the pituitary gland in the brain to tell the follies to grow-it will help the follies grow to a good mature size.

The plan: On CD (cycle day) 3 I will go in and have (b/w) and an u/s done to establish a baseline. Then I will do 100 mg. of Clomid on cd 3-7 and then to do 150 iui of injectable FSH called follistim on cd 8 & 9 and then start bloodwork (b/w) and u/s monitoring on cd 10; They will adjust and continue the the follisitm as needed until the follies are big enough to release. Then they will give me a shot to release the eggs. My Sweetie and I then collect a sample from him the next morning and take it to the RE office where they will wash it and pull out the BEST and CLEANEST of My Sweetie's "guys" and then do an Interuterine insemination (IUI) on me. We will then be able to go home and still BD (baby dance/sex) every other day for the next several days just in case the eggs released a little late. On CD 21 they will test my progesterone level. A number above 10 will confirm that I ovulated. Then we will wait some more and take a pregnancy test to see if it worked.

Tomorrow I will take my last pill of provera. So hopefully by the end of the week we can get this new cycle going! New cycles mean a new start and give me a new sense of hope. But, I'm a ball of emotions about this whole thing. I am nervous about the side effects I may get from the shots; I am nervous about the early morning u/s and b/w and rushing back home so My Sweetie can go to work; I'm nervous about my kids waking up for several mornings and wondering where mommy is; I'm worried that it won't work.

I am not getting my hopes up this time. I've done that several times in the past and wound up heartbroken. I'm just going to take this cycle as it comes; see what happens; then go from there. Ultimately, it is in God's hands.

TTO so we can TTC-Part One

In case you are wondering....the title means "Trying to ovulate so we can Try to conceive."

I haven't talked much lately about our infertility journey and with a new and improved treatment plan coming up for this next cycle I thought I'd document a little of what will be going on with me this month.

Since my last post about our infertility journey, a lot has happened. We did the round of Clomid back in March and then My Sweetie and I each did our Walk to Emmaus. While I was on my Walk I had some spotting which I wasn't prepared for. Nothing bad, thank goodness for the "girl basket" in all the bathrooms. I was hopeful because I thought maybe, just maybe it could be implantation bleeding. When I got home I took a test.....BFN. **SIGH** Amazingly, it was the first time I'd gotten a negative test that I didn't want to go off and eat a gallon of ice cream chased with a bag of potato chips. I had a different kind of peace that this was all part of God's plan and that He would make His plan known on His time.

So, I started yet another round of provera and then another round of the Clomid. I had a Dr. appt. early on in the cycle with my OB and she decided that we would do some ultra sound (u/s) monitoring of my follies this cycle and if they get big enough she would do a HCG trigger shot to release the eggs and My Sweetie and I could go be bunnies! Sounded like a great plan to me! I was very hopeful. I knew when My Sweetie started assisting me to Dr. visits and actually started talking about another baby....something he hadn't done prior to his Walk.....that God's plan was working! My Sweetie had written me a letter saying he had been able to let go of a lot of past hurt and felt like he could finally love me with his whole heart and soul. Why would God bless us with a child if my husband had been holding back all these years. It made sense to me. And it made sense that THIS was the right time to start doing the monitoring.

So we did. However, the follies never got big enough to do the trigger shot. Once again we had another cycle pass us up where we weren't even given the opportunity to TRY. UGH! That's all I waned.....just a chance to TTC!!! Things had been going so well....I thought God was working and now this?! (Of course, he was working on my life....just not to my liking at the time)

When my OB looked at my last u/s results she was baffled as to why my follies weren't growing. But at least maybe we had found the problem. She asked how badly we wanted a third child. That hurt. Why would I be there if it wasn't important to me! She said that there were other things that she could try but she felt it was time for me to move on to a specialist.

As I left the Dr. office that afternoon it was raining. I picked up My Youngest One so we could get to the car faster. He put his sweet little head down on my shoulder and I hugged him and cried. But I wasn't crying over what I didn't or possibly couldn't have. I just felt so thankful for the gift of the two boys I already had. What sweet, precious blessings they are.

Off to Camp

This is where I dropped my first born child off on Sunday. YUP! This is where he'll be sleeping until Friday. GULP!! My Sweetie told me that it doesn't "look as bad" in the picture.

He's at church camp. This is his first time going. This is a HUGE step for me. He's never even stayed the night at a friends house and I left him to sleep on the floor (no beds!) of this...THING.....up in the air 2 1/2 hours away from home? What was I thinking???

When we drove him back to his treehouse his counselor came up and shook my hand and introduced himself. I could barely spit my name out because I was choking back tears. We got him all situated and then went up to the main hall where they were all meeting. He was anxious to get rid of us!!! Can you believe that?? LOL!

I was very proud of myself for not sobbing the entire ride home. I felt a lot better after talking a bit to one of our Parish Pastors who will be staying the week. Our parish intern is also there and there is a girl from our church that is in his group.

I think the hardest thing is not being able to TALK to him! They have a one-way email system set up so I can write to him but he can't write back. Later this evening they are suppose to post pictures on the webpage so we can see what they've been doing. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing his smiling face.

Like I said, this is a big mommy step for me. BUT, I trust God that all is well.....I'm not worried about him at all.....I just miss him. I'm glad that he is able and enthusiastic about this opportunity. I never went to church camp, or any other sort of camp for that matter. My Sweetie went to church camp and assures me that he will have a BLAST! I know that he will too. Perhaps he'll learn something too!

I have been thinking and praying about him a lot this week. I feel like My Sweetie and I can be too hard on him sometimes. I feel like maybe we expect too much out of him for the age that he is. I feel like I can be short with him when all he is looking for is some attention. I feel like I don't give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

I need to remember that he is a kid and needs to be able to enjoy being a kid. I need to remember that the best way to teach him is through my good example and to not be too hard on him when he does make mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn and as long as no one got hurt a gentle reminder should be all it takes. Now I'm not saying discipline is never needed, just the way we discipline doesn't have to be so negative all the time.

He's going to be 10 this year. Getting into that pre-teen age group. Lord, Help me! I pray that he'll have a love for Jesus at an earlier age than I did. I pray that through my teaching and example that he can. I pray that he will always to do his best in school and no matter what that is to be proud of him. I pray that we can have a loving, trusting, open relationship and that he knows that God and his parents are who he should turn to when he has questions about life or fears and worries to express.

I tell him the reason he is so special to me is because he made me a mommy. I tell him that even though it took the first 5 years of his precious life before I realized the complete joy and importance of being there for him, that choosing to be a stay-at-home mom was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. I will always be very proud of my choice. Someday I'll tell him that even though his dad and I were unmarried and very young when we got pregnant with him(he knows that part) that I see that it was God's plan all along. Had we not gotten pregnant, who knows where My Sweetie and I would have ended up; who knows if I would have pursued a reporting job and where it would have taken me; who knows if I'd even be able to have children at a later age (especially with all the problems I'm having with getting pregnant). Yes, It was all part of the awesome story of my life; of our lives; written before we were even born. I can't wait to see what else God has in store for all of us!

Eternal Life: Will I see you there?

In the center of my heart and my life there is a man. A wonderful man who did the most amazing thing for ME. He has taken my sins and not only FORGIVEN me of them but He has FORGOTTEN that they ever happened. And because of this great act of love He has made it possible for me to live forever. WOW!! Isn't that awesome? The concept of forever might sound exhausting to some. But to me it sounds peaceful. I know that when all of my hard work here is done, then I will enter into my peaceful eternal life and have the awesome opportunity bow down at the foot of this wonderful man and thank Him for all that He did for me. Did I deserve it? No. Have I earned it? Hardly. But I will live each day on this Earth trying to serve Him and do what He has planned for me.

Salvation. WOW! It's something that I feel that I'm a little behind in learning about. I always figured, if you believe in God and believe that He sent His Son to die for our sins then you'd go to Heaven. I thought if people went to church and did good things then they'd go to Heaven. I also thought that since Jesus died for all of our sins, then everyone would go to Heaven. These are just a few thoughts that have passed through my mind over the last several years about eternal life.

In fact it wasn't until a year or two ago that I even heard of the words "Being Saved" In retrospect, how could I have truly been a "Christian" and have never heard those words before? Have I not been listening? Have I been misguided? Have I been uneducated? That word "Saved" sat there on my heart for a long while until I heard it again when I was doing my Walk to Emmaus. Saved. What does that mean??? Oh, my goodness! Have I been saved? I wasn't sure. I believed in Jesus, I loved Him in fact. I went to Church and gave my money and talents where I could. Are you telling me that's not enough?

I had a perfect opportunity one evening while on my Walk to ask Jesus into my heart. But I was so overwhelmed and distracted with all that had happened and all that was going on that even though I prayed the "right" words I just didn't feel like I had "done it right." When I returned to the "real world" I found myself very frustrated about 48 hours after returning home. I found myself actually questioning this God of ours. I had just had this AMAZING experience that proved to me the love that God has for me yet when I returned home I felt so overwhelmed with just how big He is that for a day or so I actually started to doubt His existence. I really felt like I had failed. But then I realized it was the Devil working overtime on me. I had seen God's love and had actually seen Jesus for the first time in my life that the devil was scared. I realized that I had to learn how to see Jesus everyday through my own eyes. When I realized this I prayed. I sat on the edge of my bed and prayed for Jesus to come into my heart and to be my Savior.

So after that I felt pretty good. I had been Saved by grace! I was on my way.

But I still felt that since Jesus died for our sins that meant the sins of everyone. Then the John 3:16 slapped me in the face. This wasn't a new verse to me. I knew it quite well in fact. But for some reason, it jumped out at me. For about a week I was just so drawn in by this verse. I realize now that it was God speaking to me.

"For God so loved the world that he sent his only Son, so that anyone who believed in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"

So that ANYONE who BELIEVED in Him SHALL NOT PERISH but have ETERNAL LIFE. There it was....God telling me that salvation was not for everyone, but only for those who had accepted Jesus as their savior. WOW! This is huge! It was a light bulb for me for some reason.

A short while after that light bulb, another one went off in my head. I was sitting at a training meeting for a summer ministry that I was going to help out with this summer. The director handed out a sheet of paper on Salvation so that we could be prepared to help lead some of these children to Christ should they ask. There it was....God speaking to me, teaching me once again. The way to salvation is NOT simply by being "good" or doing "good works" but ONLY through Jesus Christ; asking him to be our Savior; asking him into our hearts.

So there I was one day not too long after that....and on the radio they were talking about this topic of salvation again. So I turned off the radio, left the dishwasher as is and dropped to my knees on my not so-clean, bleach-stained brown kitchen carpet and prayed. Yes, again. For the third time in about 2 1/2 months I asked Jesus to be my savior; I surrendered my life to Him; I asked him into my heart. I was on my knees for about 30 minutes, tears rolling down my cheeks....talking to Him; thanking Him; accepting Him; surrendering to Him.

There is no cookie cutter way to accept Christ. But for me I think I had to do it three times I needed to let Jesus into my heart a little bit at a time because I was still learning what all that entailed. I think "Gee, I'm 29 and could have used Jesus a long time ago!" Well, I know he was always there.....I had felt him several times throughout my life nudging me. But I had never opened my heart to Him, I had never invited Him in. With Him there now the possibilities are all in His hands and I'm excited!

Writers Block Cured!!

I haven't written in a long while. No reason other than I just haven't felt the need to write. But lately I've had thoughts running wild through my head that I've wanted to write about. My faith journey; my children; my prayers for others; my never-ending battle with housework. Plus we are getting ready to jump feet first into a more aggressive, more invasive plan to get pregnant. So, I"m sure I'll have a few things to say about that.

So brew some coffee and get comfy.....there may be lots of reading ahead!

Thanks be to God

My Sweetie said Grace at dinner last night! It doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it is!! First of all, he has told me in the past that he does NOT pray! Second, when we have dinner we do say Grace but the kids usually do it. Last night he said he wanted to.

It was PERFECT!! It was from-the-hear; in-his-own-words. I've been so giddy that you would think he sent flowers to me or something. But no, he just said Grace at dinner!

He got a phone call last night from a guy he met this past weekend. The guy was just calling to check on him and see how things have been since he got home. He was all secretive about it because he didn't want to give anything away about my retreat this weekend.

I leave tomorrow night. He is really excited about me going. I'm excited to see and go through what he did last weekend. Coming home Sunday will almost be better than when he came home because we will have BOTH gone through this experience and will finally be able to share stories.

He's HOME!!

My Sweetie was delivered back here safely a little before 10 p.m last night. It was SO good to see him. We just stood there hugging for a long time. I told him I missed him. He said, "You were there with me. I saw you about 4 different times."

He said he had fun and thanked me for making him go. He didn't tell me ANYTHING about what went on because we agreed it would be better and more meaningful to me when I go. He's very excited for me to go and experience what he experienced so we can talk about it. He says it's like knowing what is inside a gift that he's just excited for me to open it up. He showed some concern about how I would handle being away from him (again) and my kids for that long and let me know that there are Pastors/counselers there to talk to if I need.

Now, I know he hasn't even been back home for 24 hours yet, but I do think this has had a lasting impact on his life. He has said and done a few things since he has been home that are generally out of character for him. He went and looked at the kids last night before coming to bed, told me to drive safe as I was leaving the house today, and when a situation at work arose he said it was his first real test after being on the Walk.

I'm thrilled that he enjoyed his Walk. I leave Thursday night which will be here before I know it.

Waiting for My Sweetie to come HOME!

I was told he would be home between 8 and 10 p.m. tonight. Our sponsor said to plan for around 9 p.m.

It has been OVER 74-hours since we said goodbye Thursday night. I've missed him but I've survived. I've thought and wondered what he was doing and what was going through his mind during this weekend. I'm anxious to see how it all went and what he thought of this experience.

I'm wondering if I'll see some sort of a change in him. Not that I want him to be different, but how could a weekend like this NOT change someone a little?

What I've been praying for mostly is that his faith has grown stronger and that he has learned to trust in God more. As apprehensive as he was about doing this, I suppose the best I can hope is that he enjoyed himself and that he thought it was all worth it. Everything else would be bonus.

The house is clean, the kids are in bed, the candles are lit. All I need now is to see his face and feel his arms squeeze me in a hug.

My Sweetie is on a Walk

My Sweetie left tonight for his Walk to Emmaus. The Pastor of our church who is also our sponsor just called to say that My Sweetie is there and safe.

This is a 72 hour retreat. No car, no phone, no watches. I was sad for him to go for the simple fact that I have NEVER gone this long without speaking to him. He has been gone longer before on business, but we've always been able to talk on the phone. Most days he is my only adult interaction. SO, it will be a true test for us both this weekend.

I'm also feeling really nervous for him. He has been dragging his feet about this since the beginning. I really don't think he wanted to go even up until the time our Pastor arrived to pick him up this evening. He put off turning in the application until the last minute; didn't tell his boss he was going to be gone until this week then lied about why he would be gone; scheduled soccer practice with his team for Saturday because it slipped his mind.

He has told me in the past that religion is one of those discussions that he and I should never have. He says he believes in a higher power but just seems to have a lot of questions. Don't we all! My Sweetie will definitely be asking the leaders a lot of questions this weekend and keeping them all on their toes. I can picture it now and it makes me smile because that is just who he is. I hope that any questions or concerns he has about God and his calling are answered to his satisfaction.

Regardless of my thoughts, this is his journey. I pray that it is a good experience and he comes home with a fresh outlook on his faith; whatever that may be. I hope he RELAXES and it would be nice if he missed me a little while he was at it also!

Choosing the "Right" Pre School

My Little Guy is 3.5 years old. His birthday is 15 days AFTER the cut-off for school so he will be an "older" child. Which means THIS is the fall that he will start pre-school. I've really enjoyed NOT babysitting other peoples children this past year so that he and I could do some special things together.

So, we have begun the process of pre-school selection. When My Big Guy was of pre-school age I didn't have to go through this. He was in a Day Care environment that did a pre-school program. Since my schedule went back and forth between first and second shift it was a hit and miss thing for him. The poor kid spent his first 5 years of life being shuffled back and forth between myself, my husband, sitters and grandparents as we juggled college and work schedules. Thankfully he is a bright, boy who wasn't affected negatively by the situation I put him in early on in his life.

However, now that I'm a better mom I'm really taking this process seriously. After all, this is MY BABY!!!!

We went for our first preschool visit last Tuesday. It was a Christian based program that they are thinking of making into a 3 day a week program for 2.5 hours. (Right now it is 2 days a week for 2 hours.) A good friend of mine is getting ready to send her 3rd child (who is my Little Guy's best friend!) Before our visit I was positive that I was going to have him go there. I thought it would be cute if My Little Guy was able to go to pre-school with his friend and I figured since I admire her as a mother that I too would love this place.

I really thought the teachers were very sweet and I liked the emphasis on Christian values A LOT. My problem was with the curriculum. For the first hour that the children had free choice. Which left one more hour for snack, potty break, story and a couple songs and that is about it. I felt like it was very rushed and seemed more like a daycare environment than a preschool environment. I don't know if the addition of another day and an extra half hour will change the curriculum or not.

Last Friday we went to our elementary school in our district for a screening. My Little Guy was a little apprehensive about going into the room for the developmental tests but once he got in there did great! He tested above average in his cognitive and language skills and below average in his fine and gross motor skills. So, he's got a good brain but can't walk a straight line....neither can I!!

When he came out of the room he was ready to go home! But he still had a vision and hearing test to do. He started getting a little weepy on me and then they were ready for him. He did NOT want to go! So, I went with him thinking it would ease his worries a little. However, it went from bad to worse QUICK!! He was NOT going to have anything to do with the vision and hearing screening!! The Pre-K teacher at the elementary school came in and asked me to leave.

***MOMMY TEARS***

They were able to test his eyes but not his ears. He refused to put the headphones on but I don't have any real concerns about his ears so no big deal. He ended up qualifying for the program at our elementary school. It is considered an "At Risk" program and as I was looking at the checklist of qualifications I couldn't figure out how or why he qualified. The only thing I could come up with was either his low motor skills score or the fact that he couldn't adapt to a new environment.

It is a great program out there that does a lot of good for that age group. So, we are now considering it. We are doing a visit there in May. I haven't seen the way the classroom environment there works yet to determine if I like their curriculum better or not but I know that they encourage a lot of parental involvement and it makes a smooth transition into kindergarten. If he went there for the next two years it would be the one and only time he and his brother would be in school together. The downside to this program is that it is a five day a week program, 3 hours a day and they ride the bus. I've already decided that if we do decide to go to the program at our elementary school that I will be driving him for at least the first year.

I called another preschool within our school district and set up a visit day with them next week. The woman I talked to explained about their program a little. 2 days a week for 3 hours. They have free choice for about a half hour then move into large group activities of weather, story, etc and then from there they move into doing their project for the day. They are also a Christian based program so I'm anxious to see how they run things in comparison to the other one.

I know what is good for one child and family is not necessarily good for another. So, I am going to base my decision on what program I think will most benefit My Little Guy. I can't make that decision until I've looked at all of my options. I just didn't think it would be this tough of a decision! I don't think I did nearly this much researching and deliberating when I was choosing my college!

Happy Birthday to MY SWEETIE!!

Today is My Sweetie's 31st Birthday!! He has been out of town this week. I made some cookies to take with him so he could have a "treat" with his co-workers today for his birthday and also gave him a 7 a.m. "Happy Birthday" wake-up call. I teased him that he was a 31-year old married to a young girl "in her twenties."

He is suppose to be home some time this evening. However, there is a SNOW STORM which hopefully won't keep him away any longer. I guess I'd rather he be safe and stay an extra night but I would much rather him be HOME and SAFE!

Today after I got My Big Guy on the bus, My Little Guy and I headed into town. Nothing like waiting till the last minute to go birthday shopping eh?? I didn't even have ANY IDEAS on what to get My Sweetie. Cubs Tickets...a new lawn mower...video games......some books???? I finally decided to look into a new cell phone.....but, NOTHING OPENED UNTIL 10 a.m.!!!!

So, we went to Super Target and got what we needed to make him a Birthday Brownie Cheesecake for dinner tomorrow night at his parents house. I also stocked My Sweetie up on some "good" beer since he's been drinking cheap stuff out of a can lately. I also bought a bottle of Asti and a some finger foods. AND, I found something "pretty" to wear. I thought I would have a little celebration ready for him when he got home....just the two of us!! If he doesn't make it home in time then we will have our little appetizer party Saturday with the kids and I'll save my new nightgown for another time.

After that we headed to the mall to the cell phone Kiosk. It STILL wasn't 10 a.m.!! So, My Little Guy and I walked around, rode on the little rides, had some candy. When we went back to the Kiosk at 10 a.m. there were probably 5 people ahead of me. More waiting. I ended up purchasing a new cell phone. Nothing fancy, just practical. I hope he likes it. If anything he won't look like he's been living in the dark ages.

We made it home before noon and before the snow started. YAY!!! My Little Guy was such a good boy for me today. YAY!!!! I felt bad because we missed his "Library Class" today. But, he didn't seem to even realize it.

Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day making the house and MYSELF look nice for his return.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Is it possible for your heart to break and melt at the same time?

If you've ever been in the presence of a 3-year old you know that they have a tendency to say some of the cutest, off-the wall things from time to time. "Where did they hear THAT one," we ask ourselves. My Sweetie and I get such a kick out of the things our kids say that we like to pick out "quotes of the day."

This morning after we had woke up, My Little Guy jumped on my back as we headed upstairs to wake up My Big Guy for school. Then he said it. It's sure to be the quote of the day, "I want to be a big brother like my brother! I want a baby." Like I said, those sweet words made my heart melt but I also felt it break a little.

I know what next month means. I'm very aware of the dreaded anniversary that is fast approaching. It's not one that I'm looking forward to. Mid-April will be 2-years since My Sweetie and I have been TRYING for a third child.

My problem is that I don't ovulate. However, we aren't sure WHY I don't ovulate. I've been to the doctor for tests; they haven't found anything yet. I've been on several rounds of Clomid and have still failed to ovulate. It takes almost 2 months between each cycle because before I can start another dose of Clomid, I have to take a 10-day dose of Provera to force a period. Most women have 12 chances a year to conceive....I've had one chance in the past 13 months. So am I really "TRYING"?? It seems more like I've been WAITING to try!

I hadn't done any meds. since November and decided to give it a try again. I took the Provera and will take my last dose of the Clomid tonight. I'm also on Estradiol right now. SO, we will see if I get a chance to TRY sometime next week....hopefully My Sweetie won't be out of town!

IVF is not an option for me. I have already been blessed with two boys and I don't think I need to push my luck too much. There is other technology that is somewhat more aggressive than Clomid but not as aggressive as IVF.

I have prayed many times for either patient or peace. Maybe we will continue with the happiness we have as a family of four; maybe we're being called to reach out to other children and adopt; maybe God is just waiting for the right time.

Mama Bird Having Trouble Letting the Babies FLY

My oldest DS is in 3rd grade and 9 years old. He's really a GREAT kid!! I know that I'm tough on him...maybe sometimes too tough. Maybe I try to shield him too much also. We are thinking of letting him go to church camp this summer. When I looked at what was offered, I originally thought he should start off with a 2-3 night camp. He wants to go away for longer. Is he ready? Will he behave? What if he gets hurt or sick? My husband thinks he'll be ok to go away for that long. UGH!!! I know that HE will be ok, the real issue is with me. It's just one of those letting go moments I suppose. My big guy is growing up.

My youngest DS and I went to a preschool visit today. He will be entering the 3-year old program next year. Two days a week for two hours....so I thought! They had a board meeting yesterday and are thinking about making the 3-year old program 2.5 hours long for 3 days! UGH!! I was wondering what I would do twice a week for two hours now I'll have 3 days a week for 2.5 hours possibly without him? It's just one of those letting go moments I suppose. My little guy is growing up.

These boys are my life....and it just blows my mind how quickly this season of life seems to be flashing before my eyes! Didn't I just welcome them into this world? Weren't these boys just babies that I nursed in the wee hours of the morning? Wasn't it just yesterday that I nuzzled their sweet smelling heads after their bath?

There are different seasons of life that we all go through.....there are some that we want to last longer than others but we simply have no control. All we can do is cherish each and every moment that is precious and allow them to spread their wings and FLY.

As for me, I will remain in the nest for them to return. I will blanket them with hugs and kisses, encouragement and praise, food and rest; everything they need to enable to FLY again the next day.

Where is my Time Being Spent?

I am heading up a new team at our church. Our quest is to try to become more "Passionate spiritually." One of our means of getting there is to set up four mission projects and involve the entire congregation.

As I was sitting there listening to everyone's ideas, this overwhelming sense of guilt took over. I SHOULD BE DOING MORE!! There are so many things which may seem insignificant to us but are life saving to others. I have this tug on my heart to do more. I am sad that I don't pay more attention to this. Am I lazy? Is my time THAT precious? Do I not make reaching out to others a priority? Don't I want to teach my children compassion?

The Bible talks about striving to live our lives like Jesus. He was the giver of all givers! He wants us to reach out and help others because when we reach out and help someone else it is our way of serving and loving Him.

Then I read my devotional this morning, Daily Wisdom for Mothers, it talked about how we as moms are so consumed with our busy schedules that it often takes away from the precious time we have with our children. She talks about how sometimes even good things can be bad if it takes away from our families.

I need to remember that I am the leader of 2 committees within our Church. I give my time, services and money when I can. I recognize that there is more that I could and should be doing. I hope that this mission team will enalbe me to do more of that. I also hope to involve and teach my children at an early age what it is to do God's work here on Earth.

However, when my outside commitments start to take away from my time with my children I need to take a step back. I need to remind myself of the long-term mission project that I have been chossen to do during this season of my life; caring for and raising two of God's children! He chose ME to be their mom. For now, one of my top priorities in life is giving them the time and love they deserve, regardless of how much it pains me to say "No" once in awhile.

"I will NOT be like my MOTHER!"

How many of us have said this before?
"I will NOT be like my MOTHER!!"

I said it. And boy did I mean it! My plans were simple. I was NOT going to get pregnant out of wedlock like my mother. I was going to get my college degree, unlike my parents did. And unlike my mom, I was going to have a career. My mind was made up. I was NOT going to be like my mother!!!

Fast forward to a cold March Wednesday night 10 years ago. I was laying on the pull-out couch in the dark at my boyfriends house. He had made a special trip home for the night. The house was FREEZING because they turned the heat off during the week when he was away at college.

"It's positive," he tells me with a little bit of a chuckle.

**WATER WORKS**

I was crying partly because I was so fearful of disappointing my parents. They did not want my life to begin the way theirs did. They knew it was too tough and they wanted better for me. I wanted better for me!! I was also crushed that my dreams of being a television news reporter were never going to happen. I was scared of what my well thought out future would now hold.

We got married, moved away, had a beautiful baby boy who I stayed home with while my husband finished college. However my mind was already made up! I was NOT going to be like my mom!! When he was done it was going to be MY turn!!

I made sure that I got my way. Let me tell you, I had it all!! I had my college degree, my dream career, and husband a child a house.

Well, when you have too many things on your plate at once, something is going to get pushed off. That something sadly was my husband and my son.

On my sons 5th birthday I found myself sick with the flu. My parents had been trying to get hold of me all day to no avail because I was in the bathroom. When they finally had gotten a hold of me my husband and my son had left for my in-laws to celebrate my sons birthday.

My parents were calling because they did not agree with my decision to have joint custody of my son after my husband and I were divorced. My mom said "This is what breaking up a family is all about!"

Oh my gosh!!! That's not what I wanted! I don't want to break up my family!!

A choice needed to be made. My family was falling apart in front of my eyes. I was the only one who could fix this.

Once again I found myself laying in bed in the dark and in tears.

A few short weeks later, the divorce was called off, I had put in my notice to work because I had decided to be a SAHM and we found out we were pregnant with our second child.

Needless to say, I am like my mom. Like she once was, I am trying to master the fine art of being a wife, a mother, a housekeeper, a cook, a medic, a chauffeur, a mentor, a teacher, and so many other roles that I play in this life of mine. I'm proud to be doing what my mom did. There is nothing wrong with this life that I have chosen.