Thursday, April 16, 2009

Pity Party First

I took Little Dude to the zoo today....the first trip of the season!! We saw lots of baby animals today. They were SO cute!!!

Do you know what else I saw lots of???

Baby Momma Tummies. Not as cute as baby animals, but cute nonetheless.

However, the sight of Baby Momma Tummies still makes my heart ache. It's not quite as much of a pain as it was when we were TTC BuhBuh and Little Dude. But, it still stings. It's a reminder of what my body CAN'T do. As my friend said today, "It just makes me feel broken"

Now PLEASE don't get me wrong. I feel EXTREMELY blessed to have three, healthy boys. Regardless of the time, energy, patient, courage, and prayers that it took us to get pregnant, they are here and they are healthy!

I've had the opportunity to run into a high school friend and a college friend this week. During our "Hi how are you's" they each asked "So! Are you done?" question. I understand that this is merely a form of small talk, asked with nothing more but the best of intentions. But, again it stings just a little. My general reply is, "I think we are probably done." I usually let them know that Little Dude was a struggle to conceive and that we are happy with our three but if something were to happen on it's own then that would be great too.

On the outside, I'm sure we look like a slightly bigger than average family with our children all very spaced out. It also bothers me when people comment on how spaced out the kids are. Again, they aren't ever trying to be mean, but they are just making an observation. This was never our intention. The Boy was 3 1/2 when I got off of birth control and BuhBuh was 19 months when we started trying for #3.

I have learned through my experience to never assume anything about anyone and their ability or inability to conceive, carry or deliver a baby. Even when you are in a sea of Baby Momma Tummies, you just never know what their story may be or where they've traveled to get to where they are.

It bothers me that the Baby Momma Tummies upset me as much as they did today. Maybe it's because my baby will be turning two tomorrow. Maybe it's because we have done nothing to prevent getting pregnant since he was born in hopes of there being the slightest, slimmest possibility of us being able to conceiving on our own. Maybe it's because on Monday I have to take another (STUPID!!!!) pregnancy test so I can re-start some meds. to hopefully start my period (it didn't WORK the last time I tried so I'm having to do it all again! I will sit there and hope that maybe I will see two lines when in reality I know only one will appear.) Maybe I wouldn't be as upset if my body was capable of doing what it is suppose to do. Maybe I just want to have one day where I can be grouchy about it and have it be an OK way to feel.

It is comforting however to know that I'm not alone; I'm not the only one who feels broken or that their body is/has failed them. Although the stories, journey and outcome all may differ, although we can look back now and feel blessed with the sweeties God has brought into our lives, the feeling of brokenness is something we all have in common.

It is also comforting to know that I can fall back on God and see a little bit of the bigger picture. His plans are so much greater than I can ever imagine. I am fairly confident of where God is leading me. In the end I want to live my life according to His will, not mine. THAT is what makes it a little easier to say, with a sigh, "We are probably done."

ENOUGH of this pity party! I have a 2-year old BIRTHDAY party to get ready for!!! SO much more fun than this silliness!


MOM-NOS said...

awe! I so feel your pain! Those baby mama tummies just make me ache inside!!

It's ok to have a pity party every now and then. We can't always be the strong positive mama's all the time!

jen said...

Pity Parties help us get it out...then it's not inside eating us up and keeping us from all the important stuff we have to do. You are so totally valid in your feelings on this Becky! Enjoy your babies, trust in the Lord...God is good. You can never tell what's in store for you. :)

Andrea said...

Oh have no idea how I feel your pain. I am THANKFUL every day for my one little guy. I know he wasnt conceived under the best of circumstances, it was obviously meant to be since 18 months later I found myself with Cervical Cancer and my baby chances gone like the wind. I, too, get sad when I see baby tummies. It breaks my heart when Alex asks when he could one day be the oldest...since his half sister and half brother are always going to be older.
I know I am being the best Momma I can be and while situations may not be the same, everyone feels that pity party.

Sarah said...

Remind me to tell you about my 'God is speaking and/or yelling at me' day after the Baby Momma Tummy day.

Don't forget, I won't be able to walk Wednesday. But good news! I bought a season pass to the zoo today :)