Intentionally Growing Part Two: Marriage

16 years ago My Sweetie and I started dating.  Our 15 year anniversary is coming up in June.



What a milestone!!  Our relationship has not been without bumps and hurdles and at times mountains to climb.  But I wouldn't chose anyone else to partner with on this journey.

 Even though I think we have a good marriage, I still want it to grow into something more.  I don't ever want us to be strangers to one another because we didn't intentionally take the time to grow our relationship.  My children, ministry work and care of the home usually take up most of my time.  I have to work every day to give my husband the best of my time because if I don't things just don't work.  There are plenty of days when I don't and I can feel the distance that builds between us when I'm not intentionally making him a priority.

While reading the blog of Jill Savage, CEO and Founder of a wonderful organization called, Hearts at Home, I was once again reminded of the importance of being in a constant state of  intentionally growing in your marriage.  Every Monday she partners with her husband to write about marriage.  The title of the blog was, "What is it like to be married to me?"  (EEK!!!  Do I really want to know??)  There is a book by the same title written by Linda Dillow which they based this blog post on. Jill and her husband Mark write,

Jill: Becoming better requires us to more often look at ourselves than pointing the finger at our spouse.  That’s usually not our default way of handling frustration.  Most of us are quick to blame and pray under our breath, “God, change him…quick!” or “God, change her….now!”

Mark: But maturity responds to frustration with, “God, please change me.”  It’s a much harder prayer to pray…but a much more effective one.  Why?  Because the only person you I can change in my marriage is me.

 Did you see that last part??

"Maturity responds to frustration with 'God, please change me.'

No matter how hard we try.  No matter how long and passionate our prayers are.  The ONLY person we can change in a marriage is us.

Asking God to change us rather than our spouses is a very intentional prayer and a good boost in the right direction of intentionally growing a marriage.

For the first 5 years of our marriage I wasted a lot of time of hoping that My Sweetie was different or treated me differently, or would just accept me for who I was.  And when those changes in him didn't happen I gave up on our marriage.  I called it quits without even really trying to work things out but rather telling him our marriage was over.  

In my rock bottom moment of that situation, I realized that I was the one who needed to make a change.  I am such a different person now that I barely recognize the wife I was early on in our marriage.  Thank God for grace, right?!?!

There have still been moments of peeks and valley's in our marriage since then and I am still having to pray for God to change me, but we've come a long way. 

It is a daily, intentional, choice for me to put aside anything that didn't get finished at the end of the day and spend time with My Sweetie.  Kids are to be in bed or in their rooms before 8:30.  The rest of the evening is set aside for just the two of us.

The other night My Sweetie called and asked if I would meet him around 5 p.m. to meet up with one of his clients.

It was a Thursday night.  I needed to do spelling with the kids.  Little Dude needed a bath.  They needed dinner.  I had spent the morning scrubbing floors and the afternoon grocery shopping.  I was tired and not looking the role of "corporate wife" at all.  This just wasn't work.

No was really the easy answer.

I could tell that he really wanted me to join him. I knew that this would really make him happy and I knew I was really just making excuses for not wanting to make an intentional effort to make My Sweetie happy.

So I made it work.  Homework was completed, dinner was healthy, yet simple and our 14-year old would be fine for a few hours watching a movie with his brothers while we were gone.

I met My Sweetie in one of the nearby downtown areas that sits along the Mississippi River and we walked together to meet his client.  We visited for a while then left, strolling hand in hand on a beautiful, warm February evening with the sounds of the city surrounding us.  We checked in at home and decided to stay out a little longer and had a fantastic dinner together before heading home just in time to put our three-little monkey's to bed.

We both curled up on the couch after they were all tucked in talking of what a great night it was.  It was somewhat a spontaneous date night, yet it did require me to get a little uncomfortable about leaving on a school night.  But the extra effort it took so that we could spend some time together was well worth it. 

Lead Me

We had a MOPS speaker talk to us about marriage; one of my top three things to read about or hear a speaker present on being that I am constantly trying to be more of the wife that God had intended me to be to my husband.  I fall short.  Daily.  So when I heard our speaker was presenting on marriage I hunkered down with my pen and paper ready to take notes and be inspired.

She gave us word pictures.  

Mirror/Selfishness:   We often times point out the flaws we see in our husband.  But instead of pointing the mirror at us, we needd to turn that mirror around and look at ourselves and see what it is revealing about us.  She gave us a quote from an author which said, "One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse.  Had there been a card attached it would have said, "here's to helping you discover what you're REALLY like." (Gary and Betsy Ricucci)

Chairs:  What chair would our marriage sit in?  Chair #1 Exciting!  Love is new-hot, passionate, all consuming, giving, thoughtful.  Chari #2 Satissfying, Fullfilling-Love is not so new, but really good.  It's sometimes hot and passionate; it's been tested, good communication, best friends.  Chair #3 Routine-Love has grown stale, mediocre-not much attnetion has been paid to it so it's getting pretty mediocre, mundane.  Chair #4 Dead-Love is pretty dead.  You may still be together, but it's on the rocks as far as real fun, satisfaction, joy, friendship.  You're in the chair that no only you think you're in, but in the one your spouse thinks you're in.  (EEK!)

Love Bank:  We can't be writing checks on an account where no deposits are being made.  Eventually the bank will be dry.

Leftovers:  Our spouses often get the leftovers of our life when everything else is taken care of.  While children and our jobs/volunteer work may take a lot of time, our spouses need to be our top priority after Jesus.  Our spouses deserve our best, not our leftovers.

I didn't leave MOPS that Tuesday with the same warm and fuzzy, refreshed and filled up feeling I usually have. I left feeling very convicted. Which is good because I KNOW I needed it!  

So I went on my way with my day with this feeling of conviction in my heart and I was ready to be the wife God intended me to be for my husband. 

Unfortunately Satan was ready to pounce. 

And around 5 o'clock Satan struck and arrived as an unwanted dinner guest.  

I was frustrated with My Sweetie and grouchy with the kids and my mind was whirling with all kinds of not so nice things and my heart was hurting.

Then those word pictures stared to flash in my mind;chairs, love bank, leftovers!  

Ok God, yeah,I get it but, but, but what about me?  What happens when I feel like I'm getting the leftovers????

Another word picture flashed....selfishness and mirror!  

Ugh!  

I was feeling defeated and hopeless and I just wanted to go to bed and start again the next day. 

Then God reminded me of a song,one I thought my husband "just needed to hear".

So I pulled it up and listened. As I listened God convicted me again and that mirror I had been pointing towards my husband was now pointing at me; I was the one who needed to listen all along.

So I wanted to share with all of you....maybe its another God thing, maybe one of you need it too. There is a lyric which refers to "my wife" but if YOU are the wife, you can easily change it to "my husband" and it still applies.  

The end of the song is my favorite, its a prayer; one that I repeated over and over that evening in my kitchen.  It's a call out to God that we can't be the wives and mothers, husbands and fathers that God has created us and called us to be without HIM leading us. 

Doors

We walked through the doors of that little blue house on Walnut Street in May of 1997.  I was 20, My Sweetie was 22.  He had just graduated from college, we had been married for just under a year and we had a 6 month old baby boy.  

I remember walking in those doors and feeling like I was finally able to breath for the first time in about a year.   It had been a whirlwind.  

 Just a year prior I was finishing up my sophomore year at college and planning a wedding.  We had gotten married in June; I had moved from my parents’ home into a small home of My Sweetie’s parents just after we were married which we lived in for about 2 months.  We then moved about an hour away to college where My Sweetie finished his senior year and worked.  Every weekend we packed up and came home to be with family so I could work.  In November we had a baby.  I had gotten a job back home so I moved in with my parents about 6 weeks before My Sweeties graduation going back to our apartment on my days off.  My Sweetie finished college in May and then we packed up and moved again into the little blue house on Walnut Street when he graduated.     

As we walked through the door I instantly felt at ease; I finally felt like I could start to get settled into our life.  Even though we would share the space with his family for a few more months until their house was finished being built, it didn’t matter because I knew I was home.  

Just inside the doors of that little blue house a lot of growing took place over those 13 ½ years; much like a baby growing in a mother’s womb; warm and safe, growing until it was time to leave the safety and warmth of the only thing that baby knew into something else warm and safe-a mother’s arms.  

Our maturity and wisdom grew;  our marriage grew into something more beautiful than any young, scared, 19 year old bride could have ever dreamt; our family grew to 3 boys; our boys grew more quickly than anyone ever told me they would; our faith grew into something I never could have even wrapped my mind around all those year ago.  

Then at just the right time we walked out of the doors of the safety and warmth of the only house our children had known, the house where we had spent most of our marriage, the house that had been cozy and comfortable (literally and financially) through the doors of another house that was warm and safe; The yellow house on the prairie. 

On a beautiful Friday afternoon in October our family pulled into the drive way of this yellow house on the prairie.  I unloaded the kids, their exciting squeals as I set them free made me smile.  I filled my arms with the first things to be carried into our new home and began to walk into the garage (Grin!!). 

   

“WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!!”  My Sweetie exclaimed, “Put your coffee down.  Put your stuff down.”  He said as he practically took it all out of my hands and put it down on the ground.  

My handsome groom led me to the front of the house, scooped me up into his arms and carried me over the threshold of the door to yellow house on the prairie.

“Welcome home,” he said and he bent down to kiss me.  

Home indeed is where we were and it felt good!!! 

Although that little blue house on Walnut Street was the place we called home for so many years and the place where all of our babies took their first steps and celebrated their first birthdays it’s really only a house.  All of those memories belong to me and my family, not the house.

The house is not what makes a home a home.  A home is created in the living, loving, growing and creating of memories by the family that lives just through the door of a house. 

Moments

There are moments in life in which you wish time would freeze and stand still.

Moments in which you wish you could bottle up and save for another day.

Moments in which nothing else in the entire world matters other than the very second in which you stand.

You soak them in. You burn the images into your mind. You take photographs. But the moment always passes.


I love to escape with my family.

It doesn't matter where we go as long as we go. Life at home is full of work, school, sports, church, chores, that it's hard to enjoy the precious moments because life moves too fast.


But for me, when we get away from it all, it is refreshing.

It is peaceful.

It is relaxing.

It is re-energizing.

It's just perfect.

The only thing that matters in those moments is that we are together.


When we are able to get away from it all I feel connection between us as a family.

I feel connection between My Sweetie and I.

I feel at peace and calm and in those moments I am able to hear God's voice because life, for that moment, has slowed down.


It is in these moments that I hope and pray that we are creating memories for our children.

That we are setting an example of the importance of family.


Although I wish that I could string together an entire lifetime of moments like these I know it's not possible. For "if life were full of moments, you'd never know you'd had one" (Into the Woods)


I certainly appreciated, enjoyed and cherished every single moment we had together this past week. I hope to practice the fine art of slowing down just a little at home so that I don't miss the ones that are here also.

14 Years.....

I'm not the girl that you married; and I know I'm the teenager you fell in love with.

But as I look back over these past 14 years I only hope that I have continued to grow into the wife that God wants you to have.



Despite the bumps early on, I think we have built a beautiful life together. Our boys are such a testimony of our love and faith.



I never thought I could love you more than I did 14 years ago, but I do.



Thank you for loving me for better and for worse, these past 14 years.

You are my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life.

Happy Anniversary....I love you......

Just the Two of Us

My Sweetie has often said that my Love Language is NOT gifts.

I'm aware of this. I'm OK with this. I know I STINK at giving gifts. I accept my deficiency in being able to remember to send cards and thank yous.

My love language is a toss up between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Melt the two together and I'm a happy girl.

So as MY GIFT to My Sweetie for his birthday I planned a weekend to Chicago.

Just the two of us.

My parents took our boys for the entire weekend; a gift in itself!!!

On Saturday we strolled the Art Museum. This was a huge thing for me because to be honest with you, I was dreading the Art Museum. But, I was willing to do it because My Sweetie had wanted to go for so long and having a weekend without the kids seemed like the perfect opportunity to make that happen for him.

Guess what??? IT WAS GREAT!!!!! It was quiet and peaceful. I learned that I'm not as much of a dunce when it comes to art as I thought I would be. I enjoyed the Monet's and the Picasso's and the different paintings of different biblical scenes and many other unique, beautiful pieces.

Expect for the pile of rocks in the middle of a room....THAT I did NOT get!!!

Oh yeah, and the giant tissue box with a pipe coming out of it....I didn't get that one either.

Overall, it was a great day and I glad that I was able to make it happen for him and glad that I was able to experience it with him.

We had a yummy Italian dinner Saturday night and then went to Howl at the Moon; a dueling piano bar.

It was obvious that the 20 bachelorette parties (slight exaggeration) going on were having a little more fun than us, but I love music, especially music played on a piano and I was with My Sweetie so it was enjoyable.

We walked back to our hotel room from the piano bar and I again was able to experience something with My Sweetie that he loved......walking through the city at night. The weather was cool but not to cold, the streets were calm and quiet and the lights of the city reflecting off the river were beautiful.


We enjoyed a leisure Sunday breakfast and did some shopping on Michigan Ave. before heading home to our boys.

Of course we brought them gifts!!!! Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory and Gino's East Pizza which we enjoyed for dinner the night after we returned.

Their Easter Candy also came from Chicago. But they'll have to wait another week for that.

As I do returning from any trip, I found myself suffering from B.R.A.D. as I drifted off to sleep Sunday night.....Back to Reality Anxiety Disorder. I found it hard and exhausting to get back into the swing of things with the kids on Monday. But in the long run, it's always so nice to be able to get away with My Sweetie; nice to reconnect and have time just the two of us.

Our Story.....

February 15, 1995

This was the night I was meeting his parents. He came to pick me up after he got off of work. He lived about 30 minutes away from me in a small town.

I remember him pointing out a video rental store and thinking, "Why is there a video rental store in the middle of no where"

Then we drove a little further and he said, "Welp, that was it. That's the town I grew up in!"

I remember thinking, WHAT town??? I didn't see anything!!!!

We drove another 5 minutes and pulled into the sub-division where he lived with his family. Then we pulled into his driveway and I saw the house and thought, "I am out of my league with this guy! LOOK at this house!!"

We had dinner, I met his family, we watched a movie, we kissed, I cried, I told him I had forgotten who I was with (nice, huh?) and he took me home.

That was 15 years ago......

I suppose that's not our "whole" story....but it's how it all started and what a beautiful story we've created together ever since.

Our Story.....

February 14, 1995

....the clock struck midnight.

My head was laying in his lap and I was looking up at him.

He said, "I think you know what is going to happen" (HA!!)

And he leaned over and kissed me.

BEST start of a Valentines Day EVER! I thought!!!!

It was a Tuesday and I knew I wouldn't see him that day.

It was an especially busy day at work I remember.

He came in the door and I kind of waved at him and kept on going. He was waiting patiently as I worked through the busy lunch crowd.

Someone asked me if he was here to see me. And even though it was BUSY they told me to go talk to him real quick.

As cute as could be he pulled out a single red rose.

What is it about one red rose that is so sweet?

I was so excited. But work was so busy that I said thank you and quickly got back to work.
(I think he was expecting a kiss or something but I was feeling a little shy!!!)

The gals at work were doing the "AWWW THAT'S SO SWEET's" and asked if he was my boyfriend.

I giggled and said yes.

I put my rose someplace safe and got back to work.

Our Story.....

February 13th, 1995

He came over to my house that night. I think he had dinner with us that evening.

He met my dad.

I remember them visiting around our kitchen table.

I remember thinking, I'm not sure my dad likes this guy.

We went downstairs and watched TV in our family room.

We talked.

We flirted.

It was a fun evening

Then....

Our Story.....

February 12, 1995

He CALLED ME!!!!!

Our Story.....

February 11, 1995

I can't remember if I had to work that day or not. But I do remember talking to him on the phone and making arrangements for later that evening.

The plan was to go to a movie. We were going to a later movie because I did have to go help work a Public TV event. I helped in the "TV Studio" where kids got to go sit with different local TV anchors and be interviewed. It was fun and made the evening go quick.

I remember being annoyed with my mom because she told me I needed to be home at midnight. I didn't want to have to tell this guy I had an early curfew.

I remember thinking I wanted to look cute but not LOOK like I was trying to look cute.

The doorbell rang and he looked cute!!!

We did some quick introductions and were on our way to the movie.

"I'll see you at 1," my mom said as we walked out the door. (TEEEHEE!!! She must have thought he was cute too!)

We went to see a movie...."Before Sunset" I remember thinking it was a good movie, but remember spending most of the time hoping and waiting for him to hold my hand!!! He did eventually.

After the movie we went and got coffee and pie and talked.

This is where the story has a different perspective for each of us....so since it is my blog, I'll tell you MY version.

We get back to my house and I very slowly take my time getting out of the car, not wanting to seem like I was trying to run away from him. We causally walk up to the door.

We look at each other.

It is awkward.

He says goodbye and I go into my house.

WHAT!!!!

NO kiss!!!

He must not like me!!! I was a little bummed. A little unsure of what to think. But maybe he was a gentleman????

His version goes something like this....I ran to the door so quickly he couldn't keep up. I got to my door, said goodbye and let myself in and he had no time to give me a kiss.

Our Story.....

February 10th 1995

Class was over. I was in the furthest possible building from where my mom was going to pick me up. I don't think our friend was in class with us again that day, for some reason.

He walked with me through the halls and tunnels back to the main building.

Just as we were about to walk up and out of the tunnel he asked, "What are your plans this weekend"

"Nothing really....." and I think I said something completely lame like, "I'll probably just stay home and hang out with my brothers"

REALLY!! I couldn't have just stopped at "Nothing really."

Then he asked if I'd like to go out and do something.

"SURE!!!"

I'm certain that I was a little too eager with my response.

Then it hit me.

OH GREAT!!!! I have JUST received a pity invitation to go out Saturday evening!!!!! GO ME!

I got into the car, a little more giddy than usual, and told my mom that I had a date the next evening.

I later found out that he was actually parked just outside the building where our class was and that after he walked me all the way to where I needed to be, he had to turn around and go back to where it was we had just come from.

Our Story.....

February 8th, 1995

We were less than a month into the second semester of the school year. I had met one of his best friends the semester before and now this semester the three of us shared a class.

The two guys would go to lunch after class. Eventually I started to "tag along" too. Apparently we had been doing it for a few weeks because our friend wasn't in class that day, so we went to lunch together, just the two of us. No big deal, right?? It was just lunch.

We went to a Gyro place.....I ordered chicken strips.

Then came the awkward moment.

"Will this be together or separate?"

I drew a blank. It was a simple question yet I had no words! It was almost like I was choking to get my words out....there was no reason for the bill to be "together".

"It'll be together" he said, a little hesitant.

I felt like a big jerk! I had just made him pay for my lunch!!??? Way to go, ME!

We took our food and sat down. What I remember most about our conversation was him sharing the idea of opening a place called "food wars" A place you could go, and have food fights for fun.

I remember him making me laugh.

I remember him making me smile.

I don't remember the ride back to school but I do recall that it was a sunny February afternoon....

Hand Made with Love

My Sweetie came home from work the other day with a BUNCH of gifts for me!!!!

I got flowers, chocolate, a good book, wine (which I don't drink, but apparently he thought I was having a rough day and might want some anyway) with promises of some quiet time in a hot bath listening to my iPod.

Isn't he amazing????

What's better.....is that I didn't cost him a single penny to shower me with these gifts.

Isn't he amazing AND thrifty??!!!

Here they are.....

He even made sure that some of the flowers were my favorite color, purple!!! How thoughtful!!!

And he made sure my chocolates had a MAP! I will NOT bite into a piece of chocolate without knowing what it is I'm biting into. He really did think of everything!

Ahhhhh.....with bubbles. Perfect!

He even made sure to remember the GIANT ear buds needed for the strange sized holes in my head. Thanks, honey!

What a guy! He really does spoil me.

In all honesty though....it really was the BEST card I've EVER received from him because it was hand made with lots of thought and lots of love!!! The fact that the pictures were all stapled to the card stock because his office didn't have any tape, made it that much sweeter.

Bermuda with my Baby

On October 14th My Sweetie and I landed on the beautiful island of Bermuda....without the kids!! My Sweetie has worked for his company on the corporate side for 4 1/2 years. Every year he has "hit his numbers" that he needed to make for each year. For the first half of this year My Sweetie sold at least 60% HIGHER than his target which earned him into Presidents Club. A sweet place to be if you are the spouse who gets to be the guest on one of these trips. I am so proud of My Sweetie for his years of hard work and for earning President's Club this first half.

From the time we landed we were treated with the best hospitality you can imagine. In order for the guests of President Club to be given THE best treatment, the company flies in an entire hospitality staff to take care of everything during our stay.

The resort was beautiful. The dinner parties were amazing and more than I ever expected. The gifts they gave us were appreciated. The money they gave us was even more appreciated! The time spent with his team members were memorable. But the time My Sweetie and I had in our moments alone were priceless and a nice break from the reality of life at home.

Here are a TON of pictures from our trip.....

Ready to head out for the Welcome Dinner on our first night. I'm certain my eyes were the size of half dollars as I walked through the ballroom doors. The band was playing, waiters lined up with trays of wine, ice sculptures, beautifully set tables, food stations throughout the ballroom.


This is what I did most of the trip.


This is what My Sweetie did!


Our first full day was cloudy and windy but the best day for My Sweetie to see things in the ocean. The winds really never stopped and made the ocean very choppy and My Sweetie was unable to see much the rest of the trip.

As My Sweetie was out in the ocean snorkeling I sat on the beach reading my bible. He found this shell.....in the shape of a butterfly! I about cried.


Enjoying the beach.

We walked to this lighthouse then all the way up the 180-some steps to the top.

Looking down at our resort from the top of the lighthouse.

Us on top of the lighthouse.

Dinner our second evening

Peeking down towards our beach.


Beach Party dinner (inside due to weather) third night.

Toes in the sand!!!!

Our last night we had a cocktail hour and were able to have dinner alone!!!!

Flying out Sunday. Goodbye Bermuda. Thanks for letting us visit.